thoughts

Sometimes it is so hard for me to have patience and trust in what God is doing in my life. I am a fixer!!!! I like things to be logical. Every day Kaydon is in school I am so stressed about how he is behaving, what the others think of him or how he is doing academically. I know I can't control it, I just wish I knew how to fix it. The process of finding a diagnosis is long and in depth, which is good. But even with that, I don't want to change who he is. I want to CELEBRATE HIS TALENTS TO DISCOVER HIS BEST SELF!
I have been praying for patience, a calm nature and to be guided to the right Dr's to get him the help that he, and I , need. On Monday we had a training at work by an independent behavior coach. He re energized me... gave me a little hope that Kaydon can get the help he needs to be successful. He talked a lot about "fitting in a box" and there are kids that just don't. That doesn't mean that there is something wrong with them at all. You just have to focus on their talents and celebrate those. Once you do that.... the "bad" gets more manageable.
So as I worry while he is at school, and dread pick up time when I hear what happened that day... I am praying and remembering. God has Kaydon's best interest at hand. I have trust that he is giving us the tools we need..... even when it doesn't seem like it. His behavior and actions at school are not a reflection of who he is... but reactions to what he is feeling inside. My mission is to help him, understand him and reach him.

The Journey Begins.......

Yesterday we had our first appointment at the Melmed center. I went in anxious and eager to get some answers on how to help my sweet Kaydon. I wasn't expecting a diagnosis.. but I was hoping for a PLAN! After over 3 hours of talking and evaluating we have a list. Many things that we were already seeing... at least this is good and we aren't crazy right? the Dr. sees an Anxiety problem but doesn't know if it is a disorder or a result of the other issues she sees. She is concerned with a Sensory Integration problem as well as ADHD. Now that was a new one... Kaydon doesn't appear to be Hyper or what I would think of as a kid who had ADHD. But as she was breaking it down and we were watching him... I could see things. She is also concerned that there could be a learning disorder based on the work he was doing.... writing and reading in particular. WOW!!!!!! She explained how a lot of these things overlap and they need to do more evaluations to get an accurate diagnosis... which is good. So we have an occupational Therapist evaluation set up and computer test set up and blood work that needs to be done. Then we don't go back to her for 3 MONTHS!!! That seems like so long.

So I went to a meeting with Kaydons' teacher and his Principle to talk about the evaluation and to try to see where we go at school. Unfortunately I did not leave feeling any better. Hearing that he has yelled at kids and they are not wanting him to go to birthday parties any more breaks my heart!!!! I want to talk with all these kids and give them more time with him- outside the school- to see the sweet Kaydon that he is and the amazing friend he is. I am sure I am biased on this, but really .. he is so kind and has such a big heart. When he acts out in anger it is like a switch flips and it is not him.. he seems to have no control of how to deal with his emotions and he just ERUPTS!!! I was under the impression that someone at school would come and observe him and come up with a plan that would HELP him, because I am not there to see what happens .. nor am I qualified to understand it and fix it. But from what I understand they can't make a plan until he is diagnosed. They will keep the special ed dept. in the loop..... and they will try to give him some breaks in the day to help eliminate the explosion/breakdown/tantrum ( whatever you want to call it) and look for signs that he is overwhelmed/ filled with anxiety. So hopefully we can make it through the next 3 months enjoying school and where he is not pushed away by the kids at school and his teacher still has patience for him. I have Faith he is with the right teacher.. it is who both the principle and his kindergarten teacher felt would Be best for him. i just miss his teacher last year who I felt loved him like I did and he felt that too. She new the struggles we were having and he had all his friends with him.

I feel overwhelmed with emotions.. I love his school and I know they have his best interest at heart... we are blessed with his school. And I know as his Mom I just want to fix it and make it easier for him, make his not have all this anxiety at 6 years old and enjoy being a Happy Kid. i know this is a long process and there are no quick fixes or answers. There is no right or wrong in this .. it is so much gray. And all of you know.. I am a pretty black and white kind of girl. Luckily I have a husband who is mostly gray who can help me in this area.

I am praying for piece in my heart and patience! That I don't focus on how long the journey ahead of us is.. but on the daily milestones that we pass. That I say,see and do things that are going to help him and not inhibit him.I am praying for forgiveness and grace for Kaydon at school with his peers as well as all the staff that worked with him. I pray they take the time to look deeply at the amazing little boy he is and not at the episodes he has. That they understand there is something wrong and is getting help. I pray that Kaydon can feel safe and trust in all who are trying to help him and not withdrawal. That he knows he is a loved little boy.I pray for his teacher.. I know how challenging it is and I hope she knows I am sorry and feel awful. We are trying our best to help too!!!

Going over questions with the Dr. about family history was embarrassing and frustrating. There were so many answers I didn't have because his biological Father is no where to be found. That Even if he was..... I am not sure that he could give the answers. I hope one day he gets the help he needs to be a better man. So if Kaydon ever decides to get to know him... he would be a better person . Who knows though, maybe if he was around things would be so much harder for Kaydon then they already are. I am so grateful again for Kasey!! What an blessing he is to Kaydon ad me. He is an incredible loving Father and I hope as Kyadon gets older and learns about Alex.... he will be that much closer to Kasey. That is his daddy and anyone who watches them together can tall Kaydon loves him with all his heart and Vice Versa!.

So off to read all my papers.... and find books......

I am at a loss......

I feel like I am failing as a mother and that is one of the worst feelings to have. As many of you know, Kaydon has had issues - to say the least- that are heightened at school. It is like a switch that stops him from having any control over his feelings or actions. all along there has been the talk of he is immature, but we have some red flags. AS the year continued and we spoke with his Dr. she decided that he needed to be evaluated. Tomorrow we go to the Melmed center with hopes of HELP! it is easy to say that Kaydon is so different around us. We aren't having these dame issues that he has there. We see little things- but it doesn't escalate they way it does there. By his actions you would think he is spoiled and this is how he ALWAYS acts. But that is far from the case and I think that is what is so frustrating! i don't know what causes it, how to help it or better yet how to stop it. We have been to school for 9 days.. 9. That's it. Last week he started 1 day in the principles office but seemed to recover and have a great day. Today started off rocky and by 1:00 I was told to come get him. It broke my heart to get to his school and find him under the teachers desk refusing to come out for the principle.... or at first me. There his classmates where trying to pay attention to the teacher... parent helpers doing there work. And I feel so guilty because I am worried about what they think of us...... That my kid is defiant/ A brat/ spoiled... that this is our normal life!!!!! And I just want them all to see how we see him act. To know this is not okay with us and this isn't NORMAL! My heart breaks right now because when I feel I know how to help him or what to do.... we are back to square 1! And after 5 minutes in the car when he seemed to recover today he could talk to me and tell me what happened and he understands what the consequences are... but he doesn't know why he couldn't control himself. That is how it always is.. when the switch is flipped again.... he is okay.
I know my problem is small compared to what so many other parents have to go through with their children. I can't begin to imagine the helplessness they feel. i just pray for those families out there and for ours. That we can get some help tomorrow.. get answers and understand what is going on and how we can help him.