it is so hard...

Okay so at church on Sunday our Pastor spoke about CONTENTMENT! He even went as far as being content with the family that we have. Let me tell you that this topic hit on SOOOOO many personal levels. I really feel that I am growing in this area. I have been praying allot about being content and really focusing in on it during my quiet time. It is a big adjustment to a step-mom as well as bringing in your own child. I always new that it would be "harder" then if it was just the two of us... but there are some days I truly feel as though I am failing. I tend to be harder on Kaydon then the others because I want them to not feel that I am just hard on them. And many times Dylan expresses that we are harder on him and when I sit and really pray about it and talk with my Mom about it, I am reminded that as long as I am showing Love and compassion and being reasonable on my expectations then we are fare. Most of the time it is just because he is older and when the other kids hit that age the expectations will be the same. Then when Kaydon acts up or does something wrong- like he broke the screen on the new french door- I find myself apologizing to Kasey because it was "my son" who did it. It is like a vicious cycle. Even on weekends that we don't have the other three I feel guilty doing things with Kaydon because we are not doing it with them. It is usually something as simple as a movie (which is a big deal to go do in our house) but the feeling of guilt on not wanting to do it and then about feeling that way drives me and Kasey NUTS!!! But then when we talk to them, they already saw the movie and a couple others at that. I just really want to make sure they all feel equally loved and that there are no favorites. But I am getting better at this... it is a one day at a time process- feel free to pray for me in this area.. I need it. Or give any advice that you may have on helping combine families and live a 3 person, 4 person and six person household!
As much as I can see the growth I am having in that area, there is another area that I am truly struggling with. If I can get to the point that I forget about it... I AM FINE! But once it is in my brain I am "obsessed" as Kasey puts it. My biggest struggle with contentment in my life is if there will be a baby in our future!!! I want to have a child with Kasey and I feel that it would truly complete our family. This is not as easy as it sounds because to do this.. my husband has to go get "undone" as we call it. And it is not cheap!!!! This is the only thing that is truly holding us back. The cost of raising a 5th child is also a factor.. but we know we could make that work. To come up with the THOUSANDS of $ it is going to cost to even make it an OPTION is the real problem. Kasey has this UNBELIEVABLE FAITH that it will happen and we will have a baby together. I never see him even worry about the possibility that it won't. It is just not something that he shows either way. Neither one of us wants to wait much longer because it would really feel like we have 2 families. So in my head there is a time frame that is quickly ending. I don't want Kaydon to be much older to a siblings then he already would be at this point. Sitting in church I just wanted to run out and cry because I want one so bad. I know that if God wants us to have one then he will provide what we need to have it, but if he doesn't he won't. I fail in this department with my faith. I pray DAILY... sometimes HOURLY that I can truly believe, and have comfort, that he knows what is best for us in this area and that he has control and that it is okay if we don't have a child together. We are ALREADY so blessed to have 4 beautiful healthy kids. Something so many other don't have and want. But I don't think I would be okay if we never had one. The possibility of never being pregnant and sharing this miracle with Kasey truly breaks my heart and spirit... and at this point it is only a possibility! Then I feel like I am failing God and my husband by not being content with our 4 and with what God is providing for us. I wish that we just had the answer of if it truly was going to happen or not. I think until it is definite one way or another I will continue to drive myself- and at time Kasey- CRAZY!!! AAAHHHHH!!!! God I pray that you can ease my mind in this area. I know what I would tell others if they were feeling the way that I do, and I know what I should feel and how I should have faith but I just can't seem to. I can't seem to let it go.
Okay, I think I was all over the board on this blog... I just needed to get it out.